Hilarious Headlines!

[JamesC]

I was having a conversation with a mate about funny newspaper headlines. I wondered if any borders had any personal faves?

Mine are:
'Zip me up before you go go' from the Super Soaraway Sun's report on the George Michael toilet scandle.

'Beam me up Botty!' The Sun again I think. This was the story about Mr Sulu actor coming out of the closet.

And my absolute favourite was from the Daily Sport reporting on the incident when George Harrison's house had been broken into and his wife had prevented the burglar's escape by squeezing his testicals! The Sport went with 'I wanna hold your gland!' Genius!


As an aside, I don't buy the Sport but I like to read the headlines in the shop as they re frequently amusing. One day though there was a picture of a large lady holding her enormous breasts with the headline 'Free Boob-Slap for every reader'. I wasn't sure what that meant!

[worldshown]

Lifted from Wiki, but I remember it appearing.

When Inverness Caledonian Thistle FC remarkably beat Celtic FC in the Scottish Cup 3-1 in February 2000 The Sun reported the story with the headline "Super Caley go ballistic, Celtic are atrocious".

[the shutdown man]

"I cannae do it Cap'n, I don't have the power!"

I can't remember where that was, but the story referred to the rocket carrying James Doohan's ashes into space, which instead blew up somewhere over the Pacific.

[skurvy]

Well when Versace was murdered The Sport ran: "Shoot you sir".

[skurvy]

Oh, The Sun after the judge in the Heather Mills divorce case called her a liar due to her "glamour modelling" past
"PORNOCCHIO". Pure gold.

[skurvy]

I'm on a roll now. Boris Becker vs Pat Cash at Wimbledon "SOUR KRAUT BEATS PETTY CASH"

[Dandontdare]

One, possibly apocryphal, story I recall from a previous life at journalism college, was from some local paper: An escaped mental patient had raped a women at a launderette and fled. the headline read: "Nut Screws Washers & Bolts". Probably never really happened though - seems a little insensitive, whatever the decade!

Another was from the notoriously parochial Dundee Advertiser & Times in 1912. Writers had standard orders to always stress trhe local angle of any story, so the sinking of the Titanic was relayed as "Local man lost at sea"

And then of course there's the legendary WWII example that depends entirely on how you place the stress: "Eighth army push bottles up Germans"

[The Enigmatic Dr X]

One for the Glaswegian footie fans -

I have it on good authority (an ex-Daily Record sports editor) that the Cally Thistle headline was made up years before the Celtic game, to deal with the situation where Ally McCoist scored a hat-trick against Celtic. The headline was to be "Super-Ally Goes Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious". It was easy to add a single letter when Cally won, and by that time McCoist had retired.

[The Enigmatic Dr X]

Shamelessly ripped off from here: http://http://funnies.paco.to/Headlines.html


Some are just slips of the tongue

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive

Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Child's stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Grammar often botches other headlines
Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious

If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

[The Cosh]

I'm on a roll now. Boris Becker vs Pat Cash at Wimbledon "SOUR KRAUT BEATS PETTY CASH"

And when he was playing Ivan Lendl in the US Open final: "CASH OR CZECH"

[Woolly]

From the BBC News website a couple of weeks ago...




 

[Adrian Bamforth]

I liked the headline the other week: "World survives Big Bang".

Which reminds me to post a link to this page where you can keep up-to-date with the work being done at Cern via webcam:

http://http://www.cyriak.co.uk/lhc/lhc-webcams.html

[worldshown]

That link is brilliant by the way.

One from three years ago. The Swiss football league club Young Boys Bern, with little to celebrate in the league, celebrated instead the completion of their new stadium, the Stade de Suisse Wankdorf.

Or as ESPN put it:

"Young Boys Wankdorf erection relief"

http://http://soccernet.espn.go.com/news/story?id=337901&cc=5739

[the shutdown man]

It's good she's happy for her dad and all but....

[johnnystress]