Right … firstly, the good news: that page is harder than 90% of any job you'd get handed professionally. It's a swine -- I've spent about an hour on it, all told, and would normally consider 30 minutes to be a difficult page. Even so, I'd still send that back to the editor with an advisory that they should consider editing down the script because some of the horrible lettering -- particularly the impossible to follow speaking order in panel -- is unavoidable.
The fact that you've managed to hammer it into some sort of shape is no small achievement.
You have, however, missed a couple of script instructions for a start -- the bad guy, Emplate, is supposed to have a different balloon style, and Chamber speaks telepathically.
I've marked up the stuff that immediately leaps out:
I should also mention that the balloons for Trance are waaaay too much -- you have a double outline, a gradient, transparency, a glow and little floating bubbles!
And this is how I would have tackled it:
EDIT TO ADD: The reading order in Panel 2 is the best of a bad job -- what I've basically done is abandon Grunge's "Wow, Rox" line and left that floating -- it's not part of the reading sequence, but something had to give, and it sort of reads like an "aside" so I bumped it out of the flow of the balloons. As I say: not ideal, but I couldn't find a way to get all the dialogue in the order it's scripted, and reading left-to-right without crossing balloon tails or putting a balloon on someone's face!
I think most of the rest is self-explanatory, but if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
Cheers!
Jim
