Cloudbusting: Feedback requested on 3 page strip

[The Enigmatic Dr X]

Fellow boarders, I find myself wracked by self doubt and would appreciate your help in the form of nasty comments launched from behind the shield of internet anonymity.

Myself and Darren Cornwell and Chillipenguin from this here board have put together a three page strip, Cloudbusting. It's below. I quite liked it until about 6.30pm - which is when my wife read it for the first time. Now, I'm not so sure. With a pursed lip and a "hmmm" she has shot a number of holes in it.

Her comments include:

1) I don't know who is who;
2) Did the helicopter space-ship thing land or crash?
3) Am I supposed to know that woman was on it?
4) I don't get the end.

Now, she's an intelligent woman but she doesn't read comics. So, Dan and myself have decided to ask for your input on it. You are intelligent people who do read comics.

Is it clear? Could it do with some more panels showing the helicopter landing and the door opening? Or would that slow it all down?

Y'see, this was something we were going to pitch to Clint. But it was written at the time it was looking for 3 pages only. Now there is the luxury of more space if the strip needs it. Previously, I thought it worked just fine - but then I am close to it and might not see the obvious flaws the way she has done. Maybe my writing and choice of panel isn't as clear, flowing and succinct as I thought. Maybe I need to take more time to show what is going on.

So, what do you think? Any comments? How would you change it? Did you get it? Obviously, now is the time to sort out any problems, so don't hold back.

Thanks in advance.


















EDIT: Gotta love Dan's sea in the first panel.

[pauljholden]

Dear Dr X - please don't ask the opinion of experienced comic readers, your wife's opinion is right - if she can't understand what's going on then you're doing something wrong.

When I was first breaking 2000AD I'd get my wifes opinion - WITHOUT dialogue - I figured if she could work out what was going on then the storytelling was solid.

(btw nice art - haven't had a chance to read it, but imho if a non-comic reader doesn't get it then it's wrong)
-pj

[Grant Goggans]

I have trouble telling who's who as well.  It doesn't help that Globis and Morbe's skin color is so close to the color of the ground behind them, but it's always tough when you introduce characters in long shot, via word balloons.

I don't get the end, either, but I did figure that the helicopter landed with the baddie on it.

[locustsofdeath!]

Yes, the art is really nice. But yes, it's tough to tell the two aliens apart; perhaps this can be solved by simply coloring their skin different colors. Maybe make the ending a bit more clear as well. Honestly I think another page at least would be great so the bounty hunter can be seen as one of the best - make her more of a threat to our two aliens, put them in a little bit of peril. Those are just my thoughts, feel free to discard them. Anyway, nice work here by all. Thanks for sharing.

[M.I.K.]

I think you've tried to cram too much into too few pages. Got the ending on second reading. The use of the word "seeding" combined with the "atmospheric tampering" mislead me brainbox.

[Emperor]

I got it. Saved vs saved (as in downloaded, saved to disk) and that is some lovely work from Darren, nice designs all round.

It would benefit from more space - it'd allow you to free up the first panel on 2.1 and show the helicopter has landed and that she has disembarked.

I'd then consider moving the bottom row of panels from page 1 to the top of page 2. The sequence where the globe leaves the water to follow the helicopter could then be spread out - I assume the multiple globes are the "ghost" of the globes passage from sea to air and I think you will want to show that sequence and the globe coming to rest. You also seem to be using the same "ghost" technique in 1.4 and 2.4 but for that to work the earliest one has to be lighter than the next one and so on or it looks like a string of globes not one globe caught at different intervals.

More use of colour holds (like 3.1) would help get this point over and would certainly help make the main character "pop" in 1.3-1.5 - it is raining so the background is going to be hazy anyway. I'd probably not use colour holds for the forcefield as I've only just released that is what we are seeing in 1.2.

Sooooo move 1.2 down to the bottom of the page and 1.3-1.5 over to the start of page 2 (I'd also recommend adjusting the lettering - there is no need for a short first line when the balloon abuts the top of the panel like that, especially in 1.5). Insert an extra scene of the helicopter approaching the shield (possibly from behind) and the globe rising from the sea to slipstream it. Lose the ghosting on what is 1.2 then and perhaps put more of a crackle on the forcefield (so you can perhaps use more colour holds on panel 1.1 to give some nice atmospheric perspective). 2.1 could then be moved down to the bottom of the page 2, with the inset panel possibly shimmied over a little so you see more of the helicopter. 2.3-2.5 could then become the bulk of page 3 and I'd like to see the globe again, moving across the background in 2.5 (if you wanted you could add an extra panel of it sneaking into the building). I think page 3 can stay as it is, but think about changing it to "Globis, how are you doing?" and put quotes around "saved" right at the end.

So nothing some extra space and a quick bit of tinkering could fix.

[locustsofdeath!]

Cool name for the strip, I forgot to mention.

Aliens in-jokes are always fun. Second one I've caught in two days (first being the Nostromo in Dredd).

[The Enigmatic Dr X]

Dear Dr X - please don't ask the opinion of experienced comic readers, your wife's opinion is right - if she can't understand what's going on then you're doing something wrong.

Hey, I wouldn't be asking if I didn't think there was a problem. The only way I will learn is if I find out what else is wrong.

[Van Dom]

Very lovely artwork. Very cool setting and suitably sci-fi. But I don't get it at all, I'm afraid!!! I am a bit dense sometimes though! Plus I'm just home from a very tough day at the office so braincells might not be firing to the best of their ability!

[CrazyFoxMachine]

There was A LOT of dialogue. Could do with some condensing FOR SURE - or expanding. One or the other. Some other people will give you more detailed feedback but I'll just say that Mr Cornwell's art is super lovely. Like Kevin Walker and Dom Reardon on a bouncy castle with Simon Coleby

[pauljholden]

Had a chance to read it, yeah, I'm pretty confused.

After a couple of reads here's what I got:

Team 1 want to 'save' the people of earth, the bounty hunter wants to 'steal' the people of earth, they fight and then the people of earth are saved via downloading and then earth is destroyed? (and by people, is there just a small section of earth?)
 

But, blimey it's hard to figure out.

(panel 1 for example, after several reads I assumed the large space ship and smaller ones were talking to each other, now I think that big spaceship is the ship that later crashes on the surface?)

Sorry guys, I'd rewrite it a bit, clear up the storytelling  and go from there (maybe remove a bunch of the jargon or, at least explain it up front)

[pauljholden]

Right, here's a quick/dirty fix for what I think is wrong with the story -

Page 1: as much as it pains me, I'd lose the fancy space ship helicopter and turn it into a more normal helicopter landing on some recognisable structure (like an oil refinery rig)
(Actually I'd give the aliens the helicopter space ship design and lose the iPod bubble - which is a bit dull compared to it)

I'd have some shots inside the copter where someone (in contemporary clothing) is explaining to the shape shifter (in human form) how "CLOUD BASE 1 is the first entirely secured repository of all human knowledge") 

I'd keep the alien space ship behind or, as you have colour - make it appear translucent - and lose phrases like 'stealth mode' in favour or stuff like "we're entirely invisible to them"





I'd add some sort of feature to GLOBIS - something to make him more than just a ball - which, right now, makes it hard to tell what's going on. (and maybe invert his speech bubbles - white text on black)

Page 2 - move it to a recognisable modern day human location - the oil refinery. A good clear shot of the helicopter.

page 3 I'd keep a very sci-fi interior for where Globis is stealing the internetz.

and that last panel, I'd make it more obvious that the earth is destroyed.

Feel free to ignore all of the above - my main focus is on making it almost instantly digestible - a quick scan should be able to tell you what's going on, even without dialogue - and part of the trick to that is to give people visual hooks that they're already familiar with (ie if it's going to be a helicopter, make it one you'd be familiar with...) if the planet is earth then SHOW that it's earth by either setting it someplace that can only be earth or have an establishing shot on panel one with a recognisable planet earth or at least something people recognise as being from planet earth (think end of planet of the apes - as soon as you see that washed up statue you know EXACTLY what planet he's on - no dialogue necessary)

-pj

[The Cosh]

Seemed fairly straightforward to me. Didn't have any problem distinguishing characters. Although I've been reading Future Shocks for thirty years and there's still the possibility I didn't get it. Nice art, nice FS.

Anyway, I think I see right away where two of your wife's problems come from.
- Panel 1: "Follow her in." I automatically read "her" as referring to the vehicle, not the occupant. It's only because I was looking out for it that I thought of the two meanings.
- Panel 2: the ship rounding the headland does look almost as much like it's crashing into it.

[Van Dom]

Ah, thanks to PJ breaking it down I get it now! It's a really cool idea, for sure, but it needs to be made a bit clearer whats going on. I actually thought there were two aliens, didn't get that Globis was the little orb thing at all. Like PJ I also thought the helicopter and the guy in the sphere were communicating with each other in the first panel. But, as I said, nice idea and with a little bit of tinkering it will work very well.  

[locustsofdeath!]

Actually, that's what I thought - that there were two of the alien guys  .

I like the bubble-ship. I like the alien's design. A lot to be liked here. Make it longer, give the story some more breathing room!