Life Spugs because...

[TordelBack]

Really sorry to hear your accommodation spug-a-rama, SG. It's no consolation whatsoever to you, but it's a terrifyingly familiar story: by unhappy coincidence my two best mates find themselves in similar but separate stomm; one in particular is facing her young family being booted out of the home they've been the uncomplaining perfect tenant of for ten years, enduring the regular rent-hikes even as wages shrank.  As she put it to the landlord's estate agent who showed up unannounced on her doorstep last month to 'check things out': "So what's it to be?  Extortion or eviction?".  The latter, it transpires. 

Now she's unable to find anywhere to rent in her hometown, or any of the adjacent areas, meaning she will have to take the kids out of school in the middle of a year, move away from her elderly parents (and source of childcare), and both parents will face god knows what type of commute.  This is two working people with (by my standards) decent incomes, having their lives thrown into chaos.  And for what?  A landlord to wring yet more cash out of a property he has done precisely nothing to maintain for a decade?

My other mate is working out of the country at the moment, and following a sudden bereavement faces the forced sale of the family home (where he has lived all his life), with the resulting split of the estate leaving him completely unable to afford somewhere in his hometown, while still paying rent abroad.  So he sees all his links to home and family evaporate overnight along with his bereavement.

It's a shitty world where people can't afford to live in their home-place just so that others can get richer.  Feel for you and your plight mightily, SG, and hope it resolves itself happily soon.

[The Legendary Shark]

Good post, Tordels. I read it twice.

(Long rant concerning the illegitimacy of "government" deleted.)

It was hard for me to lose my home. Even though I'd considered the possibility long and hard, given the course on which I had embarked it couldn't be otherwise, when I found myself standing outside Ormskirk Magistrates' Court with nothing but the clothes on my back, miles from home without enough money even for the bus, I wasn't ready. Even with a bus fare, where would I go? My home, the place where I'd lived for twenty three years was all boarded up by now, with everything I owned held hostage inside.

All those high ideals and fancy words leading up to that point didn't seem to mean much any more. I'd just experienced the Kafkaesque reality of the police.  I had nowhere to go and not enough money to get there. I didn't even have my dog to talk to. Fair to say, that was a low point.

But I telephoned a friend to pick me up and take me to my neighbour ex-neighbour to pick up my dog. I gathered some bits and bobs, sleeping bag, clothes, soap and whatnot, spent a couple of nights in an attic then started again.

The struggle continues, the high ideals and fancy words survived and I'm still here to inflict myself on the world.

The point of all this pseudoideological bullshit is that you, SG, need not be too afraid or anxious. You've got time to sort something out and I'm sure you will. You won't find yourself standing on an alien pavement with nowhere to go and nothing to call your own but even if you do you'll get out of it pretty quickly.

[Fungus]

Life can spug but this thread is rarely less than illuminating. Well-put TB and Sharky, and I hope your circumstances sort themselves out quickly, SG.

[staticgirl]

Some extremely interesting and supportive posts there - you guys are zarjaz. My best wishes to your friends Tordelback. I hope that they find a way out of the darkness soon.

Shark - I hope your indefatigability never wavers. You are the toughest fish in the ocean.

[SuperSurfer]

Spent most of yesterday at a friend's funeral. I guess he was more of an acquaintance as I would see him about once a year. I felt it was right that I attended to say farewell. 59-years-old, a grandfather. I was shocked to hear that he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer at the start of October this year. He had requested for a cremation. A moving moment when the curtains shut and The End by the Doors was played.

[von Boom]

Terribly sad news Surfer. 59 is no age. Condolences.

[ZenArcade]

Respects to your friend Super Surfer. Z

[JayzusB.Christ]

I've just come back from the wedding of one of my best friends.  I'm a little bit drunk and probably saying too much, but the wedding was meant to be in March - it was put forward in a hurry because my friend may well be dying.  He's had cancer for a while and now he can barely walk and the swelling in his brain makes him forgetful, confused and frustrated.
I was the best man and tried to make the speech as normal and jovial as possible (and with on the advice of his fiancee - now wife - did not mention the illness) but I feel that I just can't say the right thing; he seemed unhappy with what I said.  I and other friends of his left the occasion in a sad and downbeat mood.  I wish I knew what to do.

[TordelBack]

Incredibly tough situation, Jayzus - sounds like you did all that you could do. I've been to two family weddings where the spectre of imminent death of one party was a thoroughly unwelcome guest, and it is never easy saying the right thing when so much of the traditional script is about the future. I genuinely can't imagine how hard it must have been to do a Best Man's speech, and everyone including the couple must have appreciated that.  I'm sure the mood you were left with relates to the circumstances, and nothing you personally did or did not do.

My only advice going forward is the only thing I know to do myself in this kind of sirtuation, which is to be present when needed, to listen and to acknowledge, and to carry on. I don't think there's anything else we can do.

[Tjm86]

I'd like to offer my sympathies JB.  Probably what you are feeling is the conflicted feelings of what should have been a joyous occasion overshadowed by circumstances, as Tordels says.  Plus the depressive effects of alcohol that are probably augmenting the feelings that you all have.

Tordel's advice is pretty much the same as I would have said.  Keep focused on the positives of his life too.  I guess it does reinforce what we take for granted far too often.  We go around as if we have all the time in the world and yet the truth is we don't and we don't know how much we do have.  Perhaps the best way that we honour our friends and family who have had their lives cut short for whatever reason is by living ours as if we truly value every moment of it.

Stay strong fella.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Thank you very much, guys.  It's a nightmare to see a close friend deteriorate so quickly - slow moving, swollen-faced, frail, no hair, eyebrows or eyelashes. I don't recognise the fun, quick-witted, organised, bearded jack-the-lad I used to know.  A part of me thinks he's going to be OK and get back to normal but I can't see it ever happening now. 

[The Legendary Shark]

I wish I knew what to do.

Without wanting to sound trite or fluffy, JBC, I think you're already doing it - you're being a friend.

You can't beat yourself up over your speech. I'd defy anyone to strike the perfect balance in such circumstances. I bet even Winston Churchill would have struggled with it. I think you deserve high praise indeed for even going through with it.

Tordels and Tjm cover it pretty well but I'll just throw in a lump of unqualified psychobabble for good measure. Public speaking can be emotionally fraught, especially given the circumstances, so the aftermath of that can easily leave one drained or squirrelly. Add to that the influence of alcohol and it's possible - and I only say possible - that you may have taken in the entirely understandable atmosphere of melancholy as the proceedings wound down and magnified it somewhat in your mind, worried you might somehow be to blame. You're worried because you care and you care because you're a friend.

And, to be hard and spikey, you may have some tough times ahead. Your friend's going to need you and if you're going to be carrying around a big, heavy, "ohmyGodmyspeechruinedit," that's not going to help. I suggest you give it a few days then talk to your friend about it. You'll probably find everything's fine but, if not, maybe promise to be at the reaffirmation of vows ceremony after his recovery where you'll deliver the best Grud damn speech he's ever heard.

I think you're a superstar for sticking with your friend along this difficult stretch of his path, JBC, and I don't think you have anything to beat yourself up about.

[Trent]

Selfishly I was all ready to jump on this thread and say how life never spugs, you just need the right approach.
I am writing this from a hospital bed in the ICU unit in Wigan with multiple fractures looking at months of physio. Wouldn't be so bad but I have terminal cancer and didn't plan to spend the rest of my life this way.
Despite this I feel okay and consider myself to have a thoroughly blessed life.
A quick scan down the thread reminds me I have the easy job and it is those around you who you will be left behind who really have it tough.
My thoughts to you all, coping with seeing those you love slowly deteriorate must be very hard.
God Bless You

[JayzusB.Christ]

Thank you very much, everyone.  This is such an amazing forum when it comes to sympathetic ears.  I met my friend's mother this morning and she told me I did fine, as did the other guests - it was just the groom himself who sounded a bit nonplussed.  He is, however, irritated and frustrated at a lot of things at the moment; understandably - mainly I think it's the increasing gaps in his mental faculties (which may or may not be improved in a couple of weeks with radiotherapy).

It's not my speech that has got to me, if I'm honest.  It's looking at the wizened, wheelchair-bound ghost of a man that's taken the place of one of my closest friends (and frequent travelling companion) of the last 23 years.  I'm so glad that he's found a woman who loves him; but their wedding was to say the least a bittersweet occasion and I think a long married life will take a miracle now.

[JayzusB.Christ]

By the way, Trent, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation and I don't think you're being selfish in the least. I can't even imagine what you're going through. I hope you can get out of hospital before too long and enjoy the rest of your time whatever form it takes.