2000AD The Musical! The 9th 2000AD Forum Short Story Comp. RESULTS THREAD.

[locustsofdeath!]

The curtains are closed. The audience has left. But the spotlight shines on.

Many took the stage, one has emerged as a star. This was a twisted opera, two bards in particular belting out tunes that had us bobbing our heads - but at the end of the day 'twas the fat lady singing so-long to a shadowy enigmatic figure as he exited stage left. Did I give it away too soon? Well, she's not fat but she's certainly a lady, and he's certainly enigmatic but judging by his toothy avatar, not very shadowy...let's find out if your presumptions are correct, shall we?

[locustsofdeath!]

In third place we have a fellow who may or may not be a hamster, but in composing three rousing tunes proved quite the emcee:

emceehamster 1:

Breakin' The Law

Good evening, vidders, and welcome to this live broadcast all the way from Doris Stokes block in Sector 19. I'm Darwell Snoogans, and you join me as Guru Totpa is making a rare public appearance.

You may remember that the Guru Totpa emerged a scant few months ago, wanting nothing but to help his fellow Cit. If you have a problem, if no one else can handle it, then this is the guy to go to. Known for his short but meaningful solutions, he claims to have no memory of his previous life, and with that flowing beard no one had come forward to say they recognise him either. Let's listen in to see what he has to say...

'Hello, Guru Totpa. My name is Veena Marbles. I have a crisis of faith, you see. I don't think I believe in Grud any more. Please, help me.'

And here comes the response, vidders.

'Don't Stop Believing'

And what a belter! Miss Marbles is crying with joy, no doubt ready once more to give her life to Grud. What a heartwarming moment. Wait - here's another Cit.

'Hello, Guru Totpa. My name is Lance Vance. Gee, I'm kinda embarrassed, y'know?'

'Let It Be'

'Okay. Well, my blockmates all want me to do juve stuff, and all that, but my olds want me to be a good cit. What should I do?

'Go Your Own Way'

And that's another ten pointer, viewers. Guru Totpa is on top form today. As usual, all his answers are song titles from the late 20th century, but regardless of this he seems to get it right every time. Although he doesn't ask for any payment, donations for his charitable mission have poured in since he appeared at the Will Wheaton Shopperama and started giving advice. There must be ten thousand Cits here today, and the judges are in force in case any of them try to grab the guru.

Oh my! One of the Judges is approaching Guru Totpa, perhaps he wants advice! It's... yes, it's Judge Dredd himself, probably going to congratulate the guru on his good work. Let's have a listen...

'Hello Guru Totpa. My name is Judge Dredd, and I've been doing some digging. My problem is that you appear to be Norville Svenson, a wanted con artist, a man whose secret bank account has been swelling with so called donations from these mugs. On top of that, you're looking at multiple counts of illegal music slug possession in the shape of something called Now That's What I Call Music 1 - 80.  You're coming with me, to face the music.'

Sweet Jovus! Judge Dredd has cuffed the guru, and is taking him from the arena! Let's see if we can get a final quote from the great man. Guru Totpa! Have you any last words for your devotees?

'I Fought The Law (& The Law Won)'

Judge Dredd? A final comment from yourself?

'I Am The Law'

[/quote]

[locustsofdeath!]

And in second place a man I suspect might refuse to take a bow to anyone, a fellow I feel is long overdue in placing in the comp, the not so shadowy but plenty enigmatic-ly and doctor-y...

The Enigmatic Dr X:

THE MECHANISMO

A cit took a stroll through deepest darkest Meg.
A Mutie saw the cit, and the Mutie said:

"Where are you going to, thick little sucker?
Give me your wallet and your clothes, you dumb mother fucker."

"I hate to disappoint, Mutie, but no –
There's about to be a trial of Mk III Mechanismo."

"Mechanismo? What's Mechanismo?"

"Mechanismo! Why, didn't you know?   

It has terrible guns, and knows terrible laws,
And gives terrible sentences through terrible jaws."

"Where's the trial happening?"

"Now, it's on duty,
And its favourite perp is mugging mutie."

"Crumbs'! I'm off!" the Mutie said.
"Goodbye, little cit," and away he sped.

"Silly old Mutie! Doesn't he know,
Justice department abandoned Project Mechanismo?"

On went the cit through deepest darkest Meg.
An organ legger saw the cit, and the organ legger said:

"Where are you going to, thick little sucker?
I've claimed your kidneys, you dumb mother fucker."

"I hate to disappoint, Mister Legger, but no –
there's about to be a trial of Mk III Mechanismo."

"Mechanismo? What's Mechanismo?"

"Mechanismo! Why, didn't you know?
It has armoured knees, to deflect your blows,
And poisonous stumm gas it sprays from a hose."

"Where's the trial happening?"
"Here, monitored on live stream,
And its favourite perps are an organ legging team."

"It wants my team, oh no!" the 'legger said
"Goodbye, little cit," and away he fled.

"Silly old 'legger! Doesn't he know,
Justice department abandoned Project Mechanismo?"

On went the cit through deepest darkest Meg.
A rogue droid saw the cit, and the cit looked good.

"Where are you going to, thick little sucker?
I hate humes, you dumb mother fucker."

"I hate to disappoint, droid, but no –
there's about to be a trial of Mk III Mechanismo."

"Mechanismo? What's Mechanismo?"

"Mechanismo! Why, didn't you know?

Its optics are orange, its bodywork black,
It has a big bastard rifle slung on its back."

"Where's the trial happening?"
"Here, by this shuggie hall,
And it favourite perp is you, Call-Me-Paul."

"It's knows my name! It's time I hid!"
"Goodbye, little cit," and away the robot slid.

"Silly old Robot! Doesn't he know,
Justice department abandoned Project Mechanism..."

...OH!"

But what's this machine that knows terrible laws?
And gives terrible sentences through terrible jaws.
It has armoured knees, to deflect your blows,
And poisonous stumm gas it sprays from a hose.
Its optics are orange, its bodywork black,
It has a big bastard rifle slung on its back.

Oh help! Oh no!
It's Mechanismo!

"Out late alone?" Mechanismo asked.
"That's incitement, and six months, before I examine your past."

"Wait!" cried the cit. "Don't throw me in a cube!
There's scarier punks in this neighbourhood.
Just walk behind me and soon you'll see,
I'll rat out better perps than me."

"All right," said Mechanismo, mounting a Lawmaster.
"You go ahead and I'll follow after."

They walked and walked till Mechanismo said,
"Audio sensors detect pneumatics in the street ahead."

"It's the droid," said the cit. "Why, Droid, hello!"
The droid took one look at Mechanismo.
"Oh crumbs!" it said, then into flames it erupted,
Rather than be re-programmed, it self-destructed.

"You see?" said the cit. "I told you so."
"Noted!" said Mechanismo.

They walked some more till Mechanismo said,
"IR sensors detect illegal operations in the street ahead."

"It's the organ legger," said the cit. "Why, 'legger, hello!"
The 'legger took one look at Mechanismo.

"Oh dear!" he said, then gave up the ghost,
And didn't struggle when attached to a holding post.

"You see?" said the cit. "I told you so."
"Recorded!" said Mechanismo.

They walked some more till Mechanismo said,
"System error: three feet on the path ahead."

"It's Mutie," said the cit. "Why, Mutie, hello!"
The Mutie took one look at Mechanismo.
"Oh help!" he said, then there was a detonation,
A suicide bomb being preferred to the Cursed Earth or sterilisation.

"Well, Mechanismo," said the cit. "You see?
I'm a fantastic stool pigeon, me!
So let's do a deal, and you let me on my way,
And I'll report crimes, what do you say?"

"No deal, punk!" Mechanismo berated,
And quick as the wind, the cit was incarcerated.

All was quiet in deepest darkest Meg.
Remember: Justice Department gets you in the end.




With apologies to Julia Donaldson, and a million children's happy bedtimes

[/quote]

[locustsofdeath!]

Three cheers to Krombasher for taking the honourable mention with a nice little sing-a-ling sing-a-long, and congrats to all who entered and thanks to all who voted and took the time to support the board's writers.

And now...to our winner...

The non-suspense isn't killing me...

[locustsofdeath!]

She is NOT fat (though I would not hold it against her if she were, mind) but she played the role brilliantly. Our little shining star - has she placed in every comp she's entered? - the ever-magnificent...

Lady Festina 3:

Is this the real life?
Is this just genocide?
Ten dead by lunchtime
So much death, so much homicide
I open my eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I'm just a poor boy
With quite good dentistry
Because I'm easy kill, easy maim
Little thrill, little blame
Any way the end comes
Doesn't really matter to me, to me

Sisters, I just killed a man
It was an awful lot of fun
Think I'll kill another one
Sisters, life had just begun
But now I think I'll go another way
Sisters, ooh
Won't you help me make them die
There's killing to be done before tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, on the road to total justice

Too late, your time has come
I'll send tremors down your spine
Body's breaking all the time
Goodbye, everybody
You've got to go
Don't you know the crime is life, the sentence death
People, oooooooh 
You know it's time to die
I'll make you wish you'd never been born at all

[Author's note: OK, here goes...]

I am a psychopathic shadow of a man
Nausea, Phobia, will you do your dark magic?
Fear and Fire and Mortis, are you ready for this spree?
(Mega City) Mega City (Mega City) Mega City, Mega City down you go
To hell you go-o-o-o-o-o
I'm just a poor boy, son of a dentist
He's just a poor boy, good oral hygiene
Spare us our lives from this monstrosity

Dreadful Death, Fearful Death, will you let us go?
This cursed earth! No, I will not let you go
Let us go
This cursed earth! I will not let you go
Let us go
This cursed earth! I will not let you go
Let us go (Will not let you go)
Let us go (Will not let you go) (Never, never, never, never)
Let us go, o, o, o, o
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
(Oh Darkest Judges, Darkest Judges) Darkest Judges, 'way you go
Necropolis, the great city has arrived, go me! go me! yeay me!

[Swing your hair!]

So you think you can catch me and lock me away
So you're thinking that I didn't plan for this day
Oh, baby, bye bye Las Vegas, baby
I'm gonna get out, I'm gonna get right out of here

[Do your own guitar solo, you know you want to]

Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters
Nothing really matters to me

'cept for Mrs Gunderson.....


[I'll get my coat]

[/quote]

[locustsofdeath!]

Ms. Lady F, please enjoy yet another win. WE bow to YOU.

PM me with your next topic - you've had some practice at this  !

Hurrah, hurrah, this one...is...over...

'Night.

[Mike Gloady]

Thanks Matt for running this, another classic with many good entries.  And thanks also to everyone for entering.

Congratulations to Krom, Emcee, Dr X & Lady F - well deserved.

[Alski]

One day I shall win 

Well done chaps, you are both talented, annoyingly so!

[Hoagy]

HAWW!! NO WAY?!? Hon Mensh, incredible 

Well done deserved winners. Your manipulations of the food of love have granted just rewards. A plateau of first places.

[Roger Godpleton]

                     /"\
                    |\./|
                    |   |
                    |   |
                    |>~<|
                    |   |
                 /'\|   |/'\..
             /~\|   |   |   | \
            |   =

• =   |   |  \
              |   |   |   |   |   \
              | ~   ~   ~   ~ |`   )
              |                   /
               \                 /
                \               /
                 \    _____    /
                  |--//''`   
                  | (( +==)) |
                  |--\_|_//--|

[Van Dom]

Well done y'all!!

[Alski]

I think your chances would have been improved, Roger, if you had entered. 

[Kerrin]

Congratulations Lady F, Doc X and Emceehammy (wasn't that the line up for Dee-lite?), and well done to Locust for keeping the ball rolling.

[Colin MacNeil]

Well done lads and lassies for another cracking comp. I look forward to the next one.

[Alski]

We need a theme, Milady...