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U.S. Citizenship, Now with Free Chicken

Started by almighty mat, 03 February, 2003, 02:27:39 PM

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almighty mat

Hot Damn! Who cares about the war-mongering president, I'm off to live in America!




November 3, 2027

U.S. Citizenship, Now with Free Chicken

WASHINGTON DC--In the first of several planned state and
federal initiatives designed to attract and retain
qualified citizens, U.S. government officials announced
Friday the launch of a special program managed by the U.S.
Department of Agriculture guaranteeing U.S. citizens a
lifetime supply of boneless, uncooked white-meat
chicken.  "We're very proud today to fulfill a legendary
promise to the American people," exclaimed USDA Deputy
Director Tracey Lapoole.  "A chicken in every pot, today,
now, for every American, and forever more."

Delivered daily, five days a week, by U.S. postal carriers,
the chicken, initially drawn largely from USDA reserves
and purchased in surplus and secondary markets, should be
sufficient to satisfy the daily calorie requirements of a
grown adult male.

"Though originally we planned to tailor delivery
quantities individually, for logistical reasons, we
settled on supplying enough chicken per citizen to satisfy
the daily needs of the vast majority of Americans,"
explains Fredrick Breaker, UDSA VP of Marketing.  "That's
almost 40 ounces of white meat per citizen per day.  A tall
order, but I'm happy to say that, with the cooperation of the
Postal Service, we're up to the task."

Taking advantage of excess and decommissioned capacity at
local and regional post offices, and of an exploding U. S.
poultry supply driven by the high-breast yield of
contemporary chicken breeds, the plan calls for a gradual
shift from dependence on reserves and open market
purchases to a system of decentralized production and
delivery based around the postal network.

"Eventually, the chicken you get in your box every day will
be locally grown and locally slaughtered," explains
Breaker.  "Empty sorting facilities will be repurposed as
high-efficiency chicken barns, your postman or postwoman
will learn an entirely new, challenging skillset, and
you'll get fresh chicken every day."

In addition, as part of the initiative, the USDA has
submitted to Congress a suggested amendment to the Oath of
Allegiance to the United States taken by new U. S. citizens.
"[The project] is about delivering chicken, but it's also
about winning the hearts and minds," notes Breaker.  "So
we've suggested that the Oath become more of a two-way
street.  New citizens promise us their loyalty, and we
promise them wholesome chicken."


 

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