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Squaxx Telling Jokes

Started by The Legendary Shark, 22 November, 2014, 09:12:18 AM

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Jim_Campbell

Not a joke, but a story that amused me.

A few years ago, a friend of mine went to the cinema. When he attempted to get some popcorn, he was told that they'd sold out. When he expressed incredulity that a cinema would run out of such a basic commodity, the woman behind the counter responded with a completely straight face: "Yeah. We're running short. There was a fire at the popcorn factory."*


*I googled it. There was!
Stupidly Busy Letterer: Samples. | Blog
Less-Awesome-Artist: Scribbles.

Smith

How do you know if a politician is lying?
His lips are moving.

Woolly

Whats the difference between virgin olive oil, and regular olive oil?
[spoiler]Popeye's cock.[/spoiler]

Tjm86

What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the English Channel?

[spoiler]A poor start.[/spoiler]

Tjm86

and ...

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

[spoiler]A fish.[/spoiler]

von Boom

What dae ye call a guy wae paper troosers?

[spoiler]Russel.[/spoiler]

shaolin_monkey


What do you call a deer with no eyes?
[spoiler] No idea[/spoiler]

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
[spoiler]Still no idea[/spoiler]

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals?
[spoiler]Still no fucking idea[/spoiler]

The Legendary Shark

A guy with a salmon under his arm walks into a fishmonger's shop and asks, "Do you make fishcakes?"

"Of course," says the fishmonger.

"Excellent," says the guy, "it's his birthday!"
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Smith

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"

The Legendary Shark

What a weekend I had! I broke my record for continuous sex; 1 hour and 2 minutes.

Then I realised the clocks had gone forward.
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The Legendary Shark

I was at the baths today and decided to have a sneaky pee in the deep end.

The life-guard must have noticed though - he blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.
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The Legendary Shark

Definition from BBC Radio 4's brilliant  I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue:

Countryside - the murder of Piers Morgan.
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Colin YNWA

Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 16 April, 2017, 12:55:59 PM
Definition from BBC Radio 4's brilliant  I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue:

Countryside - the murder of Piers Morgan.

Do like that show at the best of times but that is particularly funny!

The Legendary Shark

'Twas delivered by Stephen Fry to wild applause, the audience still reeling from his cryogenic - being photographed and coming out looking like Barry.

I do so love that programme - the loss of Humph was hard to bear. Jack does a good job but HL is still the king.
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Definitely Not Mister Pops

Why can't you get a pint in North Korea?

They only serve the supreme litre
You may quote me on that.