Hi Tordels', sorry to hear about your current situation. I know how you feel on the medication front. For a long time I felt pretty much the same. I think part of that was because of my mothers' experience.
This was my experience - my mother was on valium and in and out of institutes during my childhood, and my older brother followed suit in his mid to late teens.
My reaction to my own feelings of depression was always to never even acknowledge them - seeking help had not seemed to help the rest of my family, so I determined to get on with it - keep my head down, stay out of situations that would heighten feelings of cripplingly low self worth, avoid drink or anything that might make me lose control. As I was left holding the fort when my mom then dad buggered off then giving in to it didnt seem an option at all.
The first half of the 90s pretty much passed me by. I remember people at work would joke about how I never left my bedroom, and I kind of built a character around it that and joked along with them.
I met my wife at work and even when we started going out, I wouldnt drink and didnt really enjoy socialising - partly I would be worrying about what wwas happening at home, and partially was I didn't really have anything in common with the people I knew at the time (don't like sports, leering & wasnt drinking) - I've asked her why she put up with me, but she said I was funny and thoughtful and all the horrible stuff (both the practical goings on fending off bailiffs or breakdowns at home and the inside feelings of worthlessness) I kept away from her and friends.
It has only been recently, many years after extricating myself from a lot of the worries I had, setting up home, having a family of my own and finding a bunch of friends that I am happy to want to socialise with (the geeks have united!), that I have understood just how ill I was back then. Ironically, having this realisation only in the past few years seemed to bring the depression back to the point it nearly knocked me out properly.
I can't give any advice - I was made to go the the GP, but didnt follow up on chasing my own therapy (strange that!). Medication still feels like something that I have seen people use to deaden their disquiet, when maybe their disquiet should have been acted on. The one thing I did wrong was not to let it get too much for me, and I'm not sure I havent seen people get a prescription rather than (for example) ditch the partner they knew they didn't love or carry on hiding from the world. That said, I wouldn't deter anyone else - I have a friend was always very resistant to the idea of taking drugs, until his anxiety went through the roof and now he is a proudish user.
Anyway, as others have said, it is very sobering to see boarders here who are so articulate, funny and engaging posting here - I'm taking that as a sign you can't have one without the other!