Waldo "D.R." Dobbs
What's the "D.R." Stand For?
Like, seriously, Man? The prison's on fire and that's the only question you got? Well, I get asked it a lot and we got plenty of time 'til the S.W.A.T. teams show up so, okay, I'll give you the Definitive Report. Hey, anybody got marshmallows? No? Shame. Seems like a waste of a good conflagration, yeah?
Anyhoop, you remember my first parole hearing when I'd been in this dump for, like, five years? Back then I said the "D.R." stood for "Definitely Rehabilitated," which it really didn't. I tried, though. When that spankstick of a governor learned about how I'd been in the movie biz he put me to work in the prison's animatronic workshop, and I was real spooky at it, Man. Made animatronic puppets for all sorts. You ever see "FartScrape" or "Stan's Labyrinth"? They were mine. Made tons of bread for the prison, enough to build a new wing. F-Wing, they called it. Dumb name. Should have called it the Dobbs Ranch, you dig? Pfah. Modern, though. You can see through the rubble it's the only wing not on fire. Cool, huh?
I'd secretly built an animatronic of myself to send to that first parole hearing, Man, because I get, like, kinda upset an' shouty, "Distinctly Reactionary," you might say. Heh. The real me hid in the laundry but the Governor got wise because I used the wrong synthi-skin colour and he sent the animatronic off to the tip while I was put back in a cell, which was, like, really heavy, Man. Decidedly Recaptured.
So, here we all is, thirty five years later and this is my second parole hearing. You like the show I laid on for you? Exciting, ain't it? Destruction Rampant, Man! See, all I got to do is wait for E-Wing to blow up, 'cause that's where the cctv transmitters are, then everyone will think I died in the, like, explosion in here, Dude. A Defunct Recidivist. Wow, there it goes! Sure is pretty, yeah? Now I just open this drawer in my stomach and arm the atom bomb...
You look confused, Man. Ain't you got it, yet? I painted the real me with the wrong skin colour thirty five years ago, got myself Declared Rubbish and chucked away. Ever since then, the "D.R." has stood for Decoy Robot.
Like, boom, boom, Man...