VOTING THREAD - "TWOTHY TV" - Prizes To Be Won!

[Bad City Blue]

Sincerest contrafibulations, Earthpets

I've been a little busy with world domination plans recently (I am the puppet master behind Trump, bwah ha haaa), so not only is this thread a little late but I didn't enter a story! You'll just have to imagine my Johnny Alpha/Middenface McNulty 'Odd Couple' pastiche...

Anyway, here's some sterling efforts, the best of which will get a brand new 2000AD Graphic Novel, thanks to those lovely droids at Rebellion, as will ONE random voter!

The competition was to mix up 2000AD and our regular terran TV, without resorting to use of Old Stony Face himself.

Let's see how you all did...

BCB

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THE LEGENDARY SHARK]

  Steptoe and Son


The Grease and Grime Warp


Harold opened the door, drawing Tiffany after him. "Pater, is you still up?"

"What's that pong?"

"Oh Gawd," Harold said, "I thought you was in bed."

"Clearly," said Albert. "Sneaking in at this time, you should be ashamed. What's that pong?"

"That is fine Parisian perfume, Pater, not something the scrubbers you knock around with know about. I do apologise, Tiffany, Father can be somewhat blunt - not to mention pig-ignorant."

Albert growled. "That's not perfume, it's 'ormones."

"Oh, Pater," Harold forced a laugh. "You is a card. Say hello to Tiffany then clear off, will you?"

"Lizard 'ormones! I've smelled it before, in the trenches."

"Father, please..."

"I know you. Your name's not Tiffany, it's Tyranny!"

Harold gritted his teeth. "I'm sorry, my dear, but my father is quite old and completely off his rocker. He gets these flashbacks to the war, you see, and..."

Tiffany raised a hand to the brooch at her throat. "It's all right, Harold. Mr Steptoe's Right." She twisted the brooch and a startling transformation took place. Instead of a demur young lady there now stood a female lizard. "Hello Albert, how've you been?"

Albert sneered. "Be a lot better if I didn't have to look at you again."

Harold gaped. "I... but... what..."

"She was all over the trenches," Albert snarled, "working for an outfit called Indigo Prime, or some poncey thing like that. Could've ended the war in an hour with all her gizmos, but oh no, she let thousands of us go to our deaths. 'Can't spoil the time-lines,' she said. Huh!"

Tyranny shrugged. "That's the way it is, Albie."

Harold spluttered. "'Albie'? You know him?"

"'Course she knows me. What do you want?"

Tyranny smiled. "You still got the dimensional twangulator?"

"Said I'd keep it safe, didn't I? It's in my room, disguised as the inlay on my Edwardian commode."

Tyranny nodded and mounted the stairs.

"I do not believe this," said Harold, head in his hands. "I finally meet a bird who's literally out of this world and you already know her. It's not fair."

"Stay away from her. She flits about all time and space keeping the dimensions intact, or some old cobblers."

"For that 'Indigo Prime' outfit you mentioned." Harold's enthusiasm rose. "Here, that sounds good - maybe they's recruiting. I bet there's a place for a man with my talents in an outfit like that."

"A rag-and-bone man?" Albert leered. "What you gonna' do? Hawk 'round Mars and Jupiter for old bedsteads? You're better off here with me, son. Trust me, I know."

A low rumble shook Oil Drum Lane.

"I'm going to ask her to take me with her, away from this pig-hole."

"Too late, Harold, she's gone. That's what that rumble was."

"Oh my good Gawd, I'll never get out of this rotten place."

"You'll be glad you stayed. She might be sexy but just wait 'til she shoves her tail up your Aris and see how you like that."

Harold scowled. "Oh, you dirty old man."

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Citi-Def_Joe

Spaced

Based on the episode Dissolution and the following quote:
Mike: Don't forget whose shoulder you cried on when the last one dumped you.
Tim: I won't.
Mike: Or when Johnny Alpha got killed by that big flying monster in 2000 A.D.
*************************************************************************************
23 Meteor Street, Tufnell Park....
Tim blinked his eyes rapidly as they adjusted to the darkness of his room, he looked at the glowing digits of his clock, 3.37 am.Something had woken him from his dream of Gillian Anderson being persued by mutant mice-spiders. And it wasn't Daisy's snoring, it was something else....

Despite his fears and sense of self-preservation something compelled him to investigate. That something was the fear that someone might be hell bent or some dastardly deed...like nicking his playstation and comic collection.
More noise, coming from the living room, someone talking in hushed tones...
Tim crept from his room in to the hall, and peered round the door of living room.
A pair of glowing white eyes starred back, the eyes of someone Tim thought was dead...
"J-Johnny?!" Tim blurted out
"Tim, sit down I know this is a sho-" The bounty hunter said in  a quiet voice
"But your dead, I saw you die! That big flying monster, it killed you!" Tim Interupted, tears forming in his eyes as the memories flooded back.
"I know Tim...I was there" Johhny said shrugging
"So how are you alive, how are you here?!"
"er, it's complicated" Said Johnny rather embarrassed "and besides we don't have time, I need to ask you for something."
"I'll pop the kettle on..." Tim said turning away to start preparing the life affirming beverage.

"I may be alive Tim but Wulf is still dead, Middenface is a drunk and the other Dogs are...well... like I said its complicated, I need a new partner Tim"
"Johnny I'd be honored" Tim exclaimed a flush of red appearing at his cheeks as he tried to play it cool
"No Tim not you....I need a big man, a weapons expert someone not afraid to steal a tank and invade Eurodisney" Johnny explained shaking his head slightly.
Mike stepped from the shadows "It's called Disneyland, Paris now actually John"
"Mike you've been here all along?!" Tim said in surprise
"All good soldier's know the power of stealth and camouflage Timmy" make said taking another step forward and revealing his camouflage pyjamas.
"You cant leave me Mike" Tim muttered
"Sorry Timmy I need to move on in life, the TA's good but its not the same as travelling through space with a mutant bounty hunter....and  besides Johnny says I can have a go on the Westinghouse  if I'm good" Mike said grinning like a child
"A Mike's go to do what a Mike's got to do I suppose" said Tim as looked at the floor
"We better go Mike, there's a little job I need to finish up" Johnny said
An excited Mike ran out of the room "see ya soon Timmy!" he shouted
Tim reached out and touched Johnny on the shoulder"Johnny....look after him" Tim said tears in his eyes.
Johnny looked at Tim and nodded his head slowly then smiled wryly  "get off me you bummer"

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Lobo Baggins

Assigned

Anderson squinted at the what-ever-it-was at the other end of the grimy alley.  It was hard to focus on, her psychic perception was insisting that it wasn't there at all and it looked distinctly unreal even to her conventional senses.  It was a thing of squirming grey lines over a sepia tinted, vaguely human-shaped void in the air.  Sometimes there was the impression of details; a hatchet faced, scowling man wearing an old-fashioned motorcycle helmet and leathers.  It was holding a monkey wrench, which was real enough to have smashed in the heads of three citizens.  It had stepped out of an old comic in a café down the street.  She pointed her Lawgiver at it, even though she wasn't sure what effect it could possibly have.

"Halt!" she commanded, not even sure if the squirming, scribbly thing could hear her.  It jolted and juddered around so that it was pointing in her direction, and then began to lurch towards her, the wrench raised threateningly in front of it.  Anderson fired the Lawgiver, putting a Standard Execution round right through its head.  Nothing happened, it didn't even seem to notice.  Right, a psychic battle after all, then...

The void thing was suddenly right in front of her, it was either moving too fast to see or had somehow teleported instantaneously.  The wrench was swinging down towards her skull.  Instinctively, she dodged backwards but somehow lost her footing and tumbled onto her backside.  She stared up as the creature raised the wrench again, gathering her psychic defences.

She sensed the others before they actually appeared.  There was a feeling of ancient power, then it was as though part of the world itself had suddenly taken on bodies and personalities.  One of them stepped into the world behind the scribbly man.  For some reason, it had taken the form of a short blond man with piercing grey eyes and an old-fashioned charcoal grey suit.  He reached forwards and casually tapped the thing on the shoulder.  The whirling maelstrom was abruptly frozen, the not-quite face bore an expression of shocked surprise.

Too easy, the grey man broadcast telepathically, so powerfully it made Anderson's mind reverberate even though he wasn't even addressing her.

She can hear us, Steel, replied a female voice at thankfully much less intensity.  Anderson could see her at the other end of the alley; she had long blonde hair and an amused expression, wearing an elegant blue evening gown.  She was holding an ancient, yellowing comic and her eyes were flaring arcs of electric blue energy.  She carefully turned a page in the comic.

The void thing was abruptly ripped out of the world without a sound.  The blue woman smiled as the grey man walked towards her.  She handed him the comic.

"That won't hold them," he said.

"Oh, I thought we could trap them in a music video," the woman replied, taking his hand.  Then they took a step and walked out of the universe.

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IAMTHESYSTEM

Dad's Army famous 'Don't tell him, Pike!' scene was the inspiration. Not many laughs in the twoothy version.

                                                   DON'T TELL HIM, ROGUE!


'Who do you think you are kidding Mr Norty,' whistled Captain Mainwaring as he checked his watch. Warmington on Sea had been Nu Earth's retirement settlement but now only the Church hall remained intact. Through its shattered door frame Mainwaring observed the Nort prisoners, flanked by their Home Guard escort march up the shell pocked steps to stand before him inside the hall.   

Mainwaring stared at the Norts as the Guard, with bayonets fixed stationed themselves behind their C.O. The prisoners, Nort Krieg marines stood impassive as their Leader, a brutal looking Officer held Mainwaring's eye and the Captain felt his cheeks flush red. Still he was in command here so he'd better show it.

'You, Norts are now prisoners of Souther Command.' Mainwaring stated. 'As Pris-

'I am making a list' interrupted the Nort Officer as he pulled a small black E-Pad from his coat. 'You, are going on zee list.'   

The chest, arm then head of the Krieg Marine Officer exploded in gore before Mainwaring could reply. As bullet strikes peppered the Nort Officer and his men Mainwaring and his Home Guard fell back from the carnage their backs almost against the rear wall.

Silence descended. Mainwaring could feel his ratcheted breathe through his helmet. The dull sound of a weapon being reloaded drew his gaze to a Souther soldier who stood in a veterans stance outside the Church's doorway. Armed with rifle, backpack and Helmet he had no breather, his skin was blue but it was the white eyes blazing with hate that held Mainwaring. They were crazed eyes, eyes of a warrior who had seen too much horror, who had gone over sanity's edge.   

Pressed tightly round their Captain only the front ranks of the Guard could aim their rifles at the intruder. 'Don't panic!' Corporal Jones shouted to no effect. Mainwaring blinked rapidly as he addressed the Soldier but his voice tremored as he spoke.

'Souther Home Guard.' Mainwaring flustered. 'Who are you, Souther?

'Don't tell him, Rogue!' The voice seemed to come from nowhere but the lights on the Vets damaged  helmet briefly shone on and off. 'Rogue?' Mainwaring's mind fought for answers found one. 'The legendary G I? He must have been blown up.' thought the Captain as he observed the blast damage on almost every part of the Veterans unique equipment and on the Vet himself who bled heavily from a dozen wounds.

Then the blue soldier snarled out the last words Mainwaring and his men ever heard before raking the Home Guard Captain and his men with lead jacketed death. Mainwaring died knowing he and his comrades were victims of a deadly case of mistaken identity committed by a 'Rogue Trooper' from their own side, whose shattered, battle fatigued mind now saw everyone else as the enemy and reacted accordingly.

'Who do you think you're kidding, Mr Norty?' repeated Rogue firing again. 

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Zippocreed

PENNY DREADFUL: DEVICES AND DAMNATIONS

Victor returned downstairs to the watchmaker's shop. Miss Ives sat at the table with the machine. The look of wonder on her face was quite endearing. The automaton was remarkable; serving tea with it's left hand while writing on a sheaf of paper with the other. It was a creation of genius and of art. The polished brass and copper had been etched with designs of an arcane and mysterious nature. Innards like that of an elaborate clock worked and ticked away within the facsimile body. Miss Ives took the sheet of paper from beneath the poised fountain pen. Victor read it with a growing sense of disbelief.

Thank you for your kindly visit. Circumstance has unfortunately denied me the chance to meet you in the flesh, as it were. Your companion Doctor Frankenstein will not find me on the premises, not in body at least. You are, I am sure, aware of the old Latin phrase Deux Ex Machina?

Miss Ives gestured to a heap of dark ash beneath one of the many display cabinets. The ramifications bewildered Victor. He stared at the cherubic face-plate. The spirit of the creator resided within the shell of his creation. Miss Ives returned the sheaf to the table.

'Are you the Italian?'

My name is Gideon. The machine paused for a moment. And I ask a favour of you Miss Ives.

'How can I be of help Gideon?'

We know that there are trespassers roaming this world, beings that wish to reduce it to ash and ruin. It was one of those infernal entities that robbed me of my mortal form. I constructed this machine to fight against these hell-driven beasts and now it has become my armour in a war against damnation. My research into the forbidden has gained me all of the sigils I need to fight their magic except one. I turn to you Miss Ives, and humbly ask that you make my creation complete.

Miss Ives removed a pin from her hat and pricked the palm of one hand. When a sufficient pool of blood appeared, she daubed a symbol upon the cold metal brow. At once, the painted Scorpiones began to sizzle and smoke. As the conflagration died, the pen moved across the white paper.

Thank you. I bid thee both a good night.

The pen dropped from the copper hand. The musicality of the machine's inner mechanism came to an end. Miss Ives and Victor took their leave. There was much to do and the dark forces set against them were still near. A figure stepped out from a doorway across the street. The face beneath the stove hat was too angular to be of this realm.

Gideon rose, throwing the table asunder. Symbols of protection blazed. Lethal blades snapped out from the tubular forearms. The forthcoming battle would not be one of petty revenge but of total annihilation.

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[Bad City Blue]

Eamonn1961

Down for the count

The studio lights glared down on the simple set, four desks, a letter board, and the clock that gave the show its name. The red light lit up on the Tri-D camera as the floor manager silently counted down from five and then pointed at the host.

"Welcome back to the world's longest running quiz show, I'm Nat Bunderson. Just before the break the delightful Delilah had picked nine tricky letters for our contestants, let's see what they made of them. First of all our defending champion, Reg Trunion. How many, Reg?"

"Only five I'm afraid, POLKAS, like the dance."

"Very musical, Reg. And our challenger, Jam Bepy?"

"Nine, APOKALIPS, as in the war."

"That's rather an unusual spelling, we better go over to dictionary corner. What do you make of that, OED-1?

"[Unusual but accepted spelling variant. 20th century usage. Judgement = allowed]"

"Another nine pointer, Jam, continuing the strange spelling from your first round winner of Nekroplis?"

"Just dumb luck, Nat"

"Let's see if that luck lasts. Onto round three and back to our lovely lady of letters. What have you get for our wordsmiths, Delilah."

"Here they come from the random letter generator.

DINOMIGHT

Another strange selection, Nat."

"Strange and almost explosive, Delilah. OK, contestants, your thirty seconds start now!"

The single hand on the clock began to move as the familiar music faded in. Reg Trunion was scribbling furiously but Jam Bepy seemed to be struggling with his pencil. Their deliberations were suddenly interrupted as the floor manager ran on to the set waving her arms and shouting loudly.

"Bomb! There's a bomb in the clock! Clear the set now. Oh Grud, someone stop the countdown!"

The explosion ripped through the studio, destroying the three desks nearest the clock, and the dictionary computer. As the smoke cleared the production crew looked on appalled at the devastation. Both presenters, the floor manager and one of the contestants were dead. Only Bepy had survived, shielded from the blast as he scrambled under the steel desk to retrieve his dropped pencil.

A production assistant with a clipboard and a headset strode through the carnage issuing instructions to summon paramedics and judges. She took the dazed Bepy by his elbow and led him away from the mayhem.

"This way, sir, we'll make you comfy in the green room. I expect the judges will want a statement later, then I'll need you to sign a release form and talk about you coming back for next week's show."

"Next week? I sort of planned on this being a one off performance. Will there be another show?"

"Of course there will. C4 won't want to break the streak. If Chaos day can't stop us then neither will this. The show must go on and you'll be back as defending champion."

"Champion? I do like the sound of that. Can I think about it?"

"Of course. For now I'll just put you down as a definite maybe."

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Echidna

TV Listings for BBC Two, 26 February 2017

11:30 Some Torquemadas Do 'Ave 'Em
Frank Spencer's first day as a Terminator does not go smoothly. "Ooh, Purity!"

12:00 Saved By the Bell: The Academy of Law Years
12:00 It's graduation day, and Cadet Slater finally confronts Zack and Kelly about their illicit relationship. Lisa turns her Hotdog Run into a Cursed Earth Catwalk event.
12:30 Screech executes Jessie for using illegal caffeine pills, but accidentally selects Incendiary ammunition and sets Judge-Tutor Belding's office on fire.

1:00 Jerry Springer
"I'm a Mutant... and My Dad's Nelson Kreelman!"

2:00 Cheers
2:00 Sam's new garbage droid "accidentally" throws out Cliff and Norm with the trash.
2:30 Diane gives Sam an ultimatum: it's her or Ro-Jaws.
3:00 After retrieving Diane from Mek-Quake, Frasier proposes.
3:30 Frasier seeks solace in Khaos after Diane elopes with an eccentric billionaire (guest appearance by Howard Quartz).

4:00 The M.A.C.H. from U.N.C.L.E.
4:00 Solo and Kuryakin team up with British superspy John Probe to infiltrate the KGB.
4:30 Solo and Kuryakin are assigned to rebuild the Kremlin.

5:00 Dad's Army
Captain Mainwaring's pride is hurt when Kano's platoon beats the Home Guard in a mock battle. But when a P.O.W. escapes, they must join forces to track him down. Those Krool don't like it up 'em!

5:30 I Love the 90's
Bill Savage O.B.E. recalls the My First Hammerstein toy craze, while Angela Rippon remembers reporting on the execution of Margaret Thatcher.

6:00 NEW: Romance and Romanov
The BBC's lavish sequel to Pride and Prejudice begins with a double bill. See Choice, page 53.
6:00 Episode 1: A handsome stranger visits Pemberley.
6:30 Episode 2: Having slain Mr Darcy in a duel and impregnated three of the Bennett sisters, Nikolai Dante turns his attentions to Elizabeth...

7:00 Imagine... Zenith
Alan Yentob interviews the rock star superhero. Featuring archive clips from Parkinson, Top of the Pops and Blue Peter.

8:00 FILM: Captain Klep III *
Dire action-comedy starring Christopher Reeve and Richard Pryor. One to avoid. 1983, dir. Richard Lester. See Films, page 43.

9:30 Luther
Luther hunts down a gang of tax-dodging paedophile priests and the corrupt Tory MP who's been covering it up while redirecting cash from local schools and hospitals into his offshore bank account. Episode written by Pat Mills.

10:30 NEW: Twin Peaks Season Three
10:30 Episode 3: Sheriff Truman becomes suspicious of Twin Peaks' newest resident: a mysterious green-skinned gentleman.
11:15 Episode 4: While Truman and Deputy Hawk recover from Rigellian Hotshots, Tharg the Mighty assists Agent Cooper with his investigations.

12:00 FILM: Slaine the King ***
Adventure starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. This second sequel suffers from the law of diminishing returns, but remains entertaining despite (or perhaps because of) Arnie's dreadful Irish accent. 1987, dir. Richard Fleischer. See Films, page 44.

2:00 Closedown/Teletext


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That's yer lot - vote for your top three and don't come crying to me if you don't get any votes.

BCB

[Minkyboy]

Found this difficult to judge, all good stuff, I think it will be influenced significantly by our memories/fondness for each show.

1. Sharky: The Grease & Grime Warp
2. IAMTHESYSTEM: Don't tell him, Rogue!
3. Zippocreed: Devices and Damnations

[Eamonn Clarke]

1. Assigned by Lobo Baggins. Brilliant recreation of the S&S atmosphere
2. Grease and Grime by TLS, you dirty old man you.
3. Don't tell him, Rogye by Iamthesystem

three favourite TV shows may have skeded my votes

nice work everyone and respect to BCB for organising

[The Legendary Shark]

1: Down for the count - Eamonn1961

2: TV Listings - Echidna

3: Assigned - Lobo Baggins

[Lobo Baggins]

1: Penny Dreadful: Devices and Damnation by Zippocreed.  I haven't actually seen any of Penny Dreadful, but this made me want to.

2: Down for the Count, Eamonn1961.

3: Don't tell him, Rogue, IAMTHESYSTEM

[Albion]

1.  Citi-Def_Joe
2.  The Legendary Shark
3.  Eamonn1961

[Echidna]

1st: THE LEGENDARY SHARK: The Grease and Grime Warp - very funny and does a great job of capturing the characters

2nd: Zippocreed: DEVICES AND DAMNATIONS - really grabbed my attention, despite the fact I've neither seen Penny Dreadful nor read Armoured Gideon

3rd: Lobo Baggins: Assigned - again, I found this very effective even though I've never seen Sapphire and Steel (because I'm less than 100 years old )

Honourable mention to IAMTHESYSTEM's "Don't Tell Him, Rogue!" - I would have liked this even more if the title hadn't spoiled the best bit

[Heath C Ackley]

1) Lobo Baggins
2) Lord Sharky
3) Echidna

[Modern Panther]

1: Spaced, Citi-def Joe
2: Steptoe & Son, Legendary shark
3: tv listings, Echidna

[Bad City Blue]

1- Echidna - these made me laugh out loud.

2 - Legendary Shark - Classic final lines

3 - Citi Def Joe - Another classic last line

[RaggedMan]

Time meant you were spared my Del Boy and Ace Garp trying to outscam each other in mutually incomprehensible slang. Be grateful.

Another tough month.

1) The Legendary Shark - Steptoe and Son meet Tyranny Rex. It felt like a Steptoe episode.
2) Lobo Baggins - Anderson meet Sapphire and Steel. Again, nice evocation.
3) Echinda - TV listings. Very funny. Apart from Arnie as Slaine which gives me the terrors.

[IAMTHESYSTEM]

1: Assigned Lobo Baggins

2:Legendary Shark Steptoe and son

3:Zippocreed Peeny Dreadful

HM Echidna TV listings

[Bad City Blue]

Come on, lets have a few more votes...

If it's not worth the effort to vote it's not worth the effort to run

[Jacqusie]

1) THE LEGENDARY SHARK - Steptoe and Son

2) Zippocreed - PENNY DREADFUL: DEVICES AND DAMNATIONS

3) Lobo Baggins - Assigned


all good stuff, I promise to write something for the next one guys!

Si